Am I really this stupid?
by Malec is my otp
Summary: This is about my life. Every chapter is a different day. I will not post everyday. I will post though. I have a couple chapters for you to read. Enjoy if you want. Review if you want
1. Chapter 1

7/24/2014 6:30 pm

Dear diary,

Shannon called me a bitch twice. I swear hearing it the first time made me feel numb, like getting a bruise and it slowly goes away, the second made me feel like a bullett went through me. I don't know why, I mean I've been called a bitch, ass, motherfucker by other people, but when Shannon called me a bitch, it really hit home. I feel that she just added the cherrry to a worst ice cream ever. I mean I barrely see Alex, I don't want to see my dad but I do want to see him get better, I have to clean the dam house and what does she do? Go on her phone and play games! Her boyfriend is helping me clean, so is her friend that is living with us for July, and Shannon just sits there. I am so pissed. I don't even think about forgiving her. This will take a lot more than 'I'm sorry'. I feel like I want to die. Just take the whole thing away. I don't want to feel this pain. I just want to end it. I know better to actaully do it, but for right now out of all the options it's making it's way up to option a. So far it's at option U. I don't know what else I can do. I just want to cut myself and cry. I want to black out from the world. Go into a coma something has to be better than this feeling inside of me. It feels like an ache getting bigger and bigger and suddenly I can't help it anymore. I can't take tums or alieve. I can only help by crying, which doesn't help that much. I told Ms. Killian about my siblings and how they were so great. Now I think I was just living a fantasy, living my own world because I woke up from that dream and found out what my sister really was, a rude, stupid, mean, bitch. I can't forgive her, not after this. I hope to keep this from everybody. I feel as though the only way to get rid of this ache is to make a bigger pain. I can't just kill myself. I feel like cutting is the only way. I told my mom to get me a counselor and now I guess she waited to long to listen to me. I needed a counselor a long time ago. I just don't think a counselor can help with this. I just want Shannon to go away. She has caused to many problems and I can't wait till she leaves. It may mean more chores for me, but I already have to do them all. Shannon is a useless sister. I can never have a true relationship with a bitch and I'm happy I realized now. OK, so hurting myself is now at option p. Pain is the only thing I can think of. My mom isn't answering my text, I don't want to tell dad, I mean who am I supposed to turn to? Chaney? He is more blood related to Shannon then he is me. He will thinkI should give it a while, but honestly I am sick of her and I have been for a while. Mom just texted me and said Shannon, her, and I would have private chat. I don't who Shannon thinks she is, but you never have a reason to call someone a bitch.


	2. I never understood this quote

Dear Diary,

I told myself that I would only write in this folder if I ever felt like cutting for hurting myself. I don't want to go to that option. I also don't want to turn to the option where I leave camp. I forgot to mention that Elena is an ass and so is Lynn. I get that Lynn does what she can, but she could of put Elena into another group like she told my mom. Instead I have to cry myself to sleep while my mom talks to Lynn on the phone. I don't want to leave camp, but if Elena is still in my group tomorrow morning I am LEAVING for GOOD. I can't handle it. Camp isn't fun and I don't feel safe with the counselors anymore. I hate it. I wan't to be able to talk to the counselors about something else than Elena and Demetri. I hate camp and for some reason when I look into the mirror I see a sniffeling girl fear written all over her face. I look at my divergent poster and read the quotes which makes me cry even more.

I don't understand this quote. My fear in the past makes me cry, another way of shutting down. Waking up consistants of sucking up what I have and trying to make a good=Worse time ever. My fears included Margot Doraz and Elena. Margot bullied me. I felt like I wanted to die. I couldn't live with myself. She called me ugly, fat, horrible and I realized she is right. Elena she... she slapped me then did rude things. She doesn't know who to be kind and never listens. She would lick her hand then wipe her hand on her hand then try to touch me. I would yell stop and she wouldn't until I walked away. She would be so freaking rude. I wanted for something bad to happen to her. The way I am raised though, I know it's wrong.


	3. My fist cut on purpose

Dear computer,

Today, August 19, 2014, I cut myself. It was a sliver, it felt kinda good. At first it hurt, but then I got used to it. I hope it won't be permenant go to. I told my mom I needed a counselor before it was too late. I don't want to end up like Lisa. I don't want to die. I do feel depressed. I don't feel fully depressed, but I'm crying all the time, mostly for no reason. I usually cry because everything is so over whelming. With finding my dad after 3 years of missing, finding out I have a 3 year old brother, my name can't be changed, I just can't keep my feelings in. I'm crying as we speak I never meant for this to happen. I wrote these to help me with my problems now it's like I'm writing a damn blog. I mean I... I knew I was a mistake from the beginnning, but could never grasp onto the idea. I know it's write. I hate myself and I hate how I always second guess myself! I wish I was smarter. I was faster. A lot more things that would waste my data. I'm thinking about the movie cyberbully. This reminds me of my life. Being bullied inside and outside of school. I have always thought of dying. I never thought I would try. I mean I cut myself so I would feel good.I have to admit. It felt good. The pain was what I needed to bring me back to reality. My life is just a piece of shit and I know now that I am a waste of space, of air,of water, of anything else I'm using at others need terribly. I hate it and I hate me. I don't like my life. My older sister, Shannon, is being an ass. Chaney, my older brother, lives in Mass and I can't talk to him. Samantha, my step sister, is just a piece of shit in general. My little brother is 3 and doesn't even know how to speak English. I have no one to talk to. My mom says I can talk to her and my dad, but honestly, no I can't. They don't understand what it's like to live like this and honestly I don't want to live like this.


	4. Jack, My Crush

Hey guys. An hour ago I called my crush and did what I should never of done. I told him that I like him. He was the best thing that entered my life. I can't believe I did the most stupidest thing ever. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but here it is. ~Jacque

_It rings_

Hey it's Jack I'm sorry I can't get to the phone right now...

_Beep_

"Hey Jack it's Jacque the reason why I won't tell you my crush is because I like you. It maybe since 5th or 6th grade. That's why I am soo mad because you talk about girls infront of me and I'm mad that I can't tell you about my crush. Bye"

(Txting me is regular and **Jack is Bold**)

**Hey Jacque I just listened to your voicemail now. And I am so sorry that I sounded like a *#*%**

It was my mistake of choosing you now like I said before don't talk to me.

Thoughts

God Why am I such an idiot! Why, why would I do that. Geez-us I'm such an idiot. I wish I could cut myself or better yet die. I have 2 and a half hours till my parents get home. Why did I choose my best friend to like then tell him? I'm such a stupid, idioti bitch. I shouldn't of sent it. I should of written it instead. I wish it never happened. My friends didn't know and now only he knows. God kill me. I will forgive you if you kill me or give me a reason to kill myself or at least give me the strength to make the pain weaken why I kill myself. I can't do this. I can't handle the pain. I can't handle what he will do tomorrow to see him. I can't bare anymore tears streaming down my face. I can't handle his eyes, or nose, or mouth in my head without see a big red X through it or a devil face.

This is all I'm writing. Comment if I should show him my stories.


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